This weekend was disappointing. I had a little scene all set out for myself and none of it came to pass. So, so much I wanted to do and none of it got done. I hate being disappointed. I know everyone hates it, but I really, REALLY hate it. I hate when the kids and I make plans and they don't happen...I can never wrap my head around it. It gets me down for days and I drive everyone nuts. Even more nuts than usual.
The boys were supposed to go to their dad's this weekend. The weather was rotten Friday night so they stayed home, expecting to go Saturday morning. We got up early. I called first thing. I called at least two doezen times. We waited for hours....and nothing. He didn't answer the phone or call us to tell us he wasn't coming. He still hasn't called to explain. He just - didn't feel like being bothered, I guess.
And here is the question of the hour - how much longer do I have to shield the kids from this? Because sometimes it feels like I'm working harder for their relationship with him than he is. Which is fine, normally - I didn't know my dad. I want - no, I NEED my boys to know their dad, to have their own relationship with him independant of me, because they didn't make the choice to leave. I did. They didn't divorce their dad. I did. They deserve to know him the way all kids deserve to know their dads.
So I try to help. When they complain to me about things, we try to have 'family' meetings to work it all out. I try to tell them that everyone parents differently, their dad loves them. That he means well. I tell them they can rely on him. That he'll always be there for them.
They don't really believe me any more. I can see it in their eyes. I can feel them drifting away from him. They don't seem to trust him at all and what's worse, they don't seem to trust me when I try to patch things up these days. They don't seem to think I can make things better for them. They just accept things the way they are...they're biding their time.
And it's killing me. Because I'm starting to think they're right. I can't make things better for them. I can't change who they're becoming to each other. But I don't know how to stop trying...
Jen, I think you said it yourself...They need to "know" their Dad. If that is who their Dad is, then I guess they need to know it. It must be very hard to see their disappointment but he is the one doing itto them. Maybe protecting them from his actions keeps them from standing up to him and making him be the Dad he should be. Growing up is no fun...damn it! BTW love this site!
ReplyDeleteAs hard as it is, sometimes you just can't fix things especially when it has to do with parenting. I tried and tried to have my daughter's bio dad be a dad to her and he just kept screwing it up all on his own. You cannot make someone come to the door or spend time with their children. My daughter is 16 now and has come to realize that she will never ever really know her bio dad cause he just does not make the effort to keep in touch and I learned a long time ago to just stay out of it. I am there for her when she is hurting and she knows I am always there for her no matter what. Now when her dad calls she really does not want to even talk to him but that is okay. It hurt me like hell to sit and watch it happen but she is the better person. Your boys will get through this and some day their dad will regret all the things he did not do but that will be his problem. Just be there for them while the road is rough.
ReplyDeleteat what age do we just tell our children the truth? that there was a reason we left the relationship,uldn the thoughtlessness , the fact that he couldn't put others before himself. We can alsways hope he changes and realizes how amazing his child/children are and how they are what brings the most wonder and joy. until than all you can do is let them know how much you love them and how you will always be there for them. And no you cannt always make things better for them , it hurts but that's the truth. and it will be ok because they know they can always cry on your shoulder or talk things through with you so they can figure it out themselves
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