It's Been A Long Time. Head's Up - I'm bald now.

(Here's the thing about neglectin your blg - it's a whole lot like forgetting to call your grandmother for a few weeks. You know you're going to catch hell from someone "Well, well, well....look what the cat dragged in." I know, I know. Here it is, regardless.) It is perfectly possible that I am going bald. Admitting this will probably not help my dating chances, I know. But there it is. It all started at the hairdressers’ a few years back. ‘Wow your hair has gotten really thin!’ she fairly shouted. ‘When did this start?’ I hadn’t noticed any thinning, of my hair or anywhere else for that matter. I’ve always had a good head of hair. It’s one of the very few attributes I have. You know those magazine articles telling you to focus on your good features, like your cheekbones or your lower back? I have my hair. Or I had my hair. Now my hair is everywhere. There it is in my brush. The same brush I just know I cleaned out yesterday and now, yes, it is very full of hair. Long hair too, this is something I cannot even blame on my kids. They have thick luxurious hair on their inconsiderate heads. Jack sometimes even complains to me about his thick hair and once recently, even had to have it thinned out at the barber. I watched his extra follicles drift to the ground and fantasized about a transplant with double-sided tape. I tried denial in the beginning. Tried overpriced shampoos I couldn’t afford that made promises they couldn’t keep. Tried fluffing my hair and blow drying it upside down like when I was in high school. Tried bangs and highlights and different haircuts. Tried going darker and lighter. God help me I’ve even tried parting it differently so as not to expose the general public to my exposed head flesh. Nobody tells you this can happen. Women can lose their hair. And here is the even better news – no one really has any good answers as to why this happens. Believe me, I’ve asked. People have plenty of answers but I sort of feel like these answers are attached to different agendas. After the initial denial; ‘No, you’re not losing your hair! It looks exactly the same, I swear!’ (This they tell me before I part my artfully placed comb-over and show them my baby-bare scalp.) This is what they tell me. First it was the diet. I am eating too much meat, wheat and sugar. Cut it out and presto! Here come my luxurious locks back for an encore presentation. This is what my super healthy friends have told me. I tried this for a very, very brief period of time. Goodbye hair. Then my best friend, she of the tinctures and third eye, told me I needed to try some essential oils. Rosemary oil massaged into my scalp twice a week for three months. Still balding, smelling of salad and a Sarah McLachlan concert. Next it was stress. The elusive killer. Everything can be attributed back to stress, really just about everything. So too it is with female pattern baldness. My mom was just here for a gorgeous two week visit. She cooked dinners. She did my laundry. She gave my kids hell for being lazy and leaving everything to ride on their poor mother’s martyred shoulders (that’s me). Every night I came home to a glass of wine and dinner and a clean, clean house. I felt myself relaxing, idling wondering if she might consider leaving my dad and moving in full time. And just as my stress level hit an all-time low she said, ‘You know, your aunt Cathie was saying that she noticed your hair was falling out but she figured it was just from stress. So just try not to think about how your hair is falling out. OK?’ Did you ever see A Charlie Brown Christmas? When Charlie picks out that little dying tree and all of it’s needles fall out at once? That was me. Sitting on the couch with my precious glass of wine in front of the fire, molting. So let’s bottom line this. My balding-ness could be from diet. It could be from stress. It could be from the Diet Coke I used to drink (this is Ben’s theory – I’ve since quit almost cold turkey, treating myself to the odd shot glass now and then to take the edge off. And guess what? Still balding). It could be that I’m going through premenopause as one rather cruel friend pointed out. It could be I’ll never know why I’m going bald. It could be my hair will grow back, right as rain. But I’ll tell you what. I’m not above a hair transplant. Or a fabulous wig. Whichever is cheaper.