Girl Crush

Everybody nowadays seems to talk about girl crushes. Or man crushes. Like, my sons probably have man crushes...not that there’s anything wrong with that. And me?

Well, last night I watched The Golden Globe Awards. They were pretty much just boring – Ricky Gervais was the host and he’s gotten to be a one horse pony show. All of his jokes are about him being short and fat (um...we’re not blind. We get it) or how he gave Steve Carrell his start. Newsflash – just because you’re British doesn’t make you funny. Enough with Ricky Gervais already...he’s not funny, he’s self-promotional in a sort of boring, nauseating way and he’s just plain uncomfortable to watch.

Anyhow – where was I? Oh yeah – the awards show. I realized last night that I do actually have a girl crush or two. Like Sophia Loren – I have a girl crush on her. I want to be her. Did you ever see ‘Houseboat’? With her and Cary Grant? Man, she was just awesome. Her clothes were the best, and she had this kicky little short haircut that you just never see anymore. My favourite scene is when she comes out wearing this fabulous silver dress that looks like it’s been painted on and Cary Grant just stands there thunder struck.

She still looks phenomenal. Sure, sure she’s obviously had ridiculous amounts of plastic surgery and she applied her rosy blush with a paint roller but still. She’s Sophia Loren. She says things like ‘Beauty is 50% what you’ve got and 50% what you think you’ve got.’ I just love her.
I used to have a girl crush on Jennifer Aniston. I wanted her to be my best friend. When Brad left her for Angelina I took it really personally...maybe because we all secretly fear that there is an Angelina out there lurking in the bushes waiting too ambush our men. Someone with a frank, knowing stare that we all take to mean she really knows what she’s doing in the bedroom and full pouty lips. How can a good colourist and strong biceps compete with that? Jennifer never stood a chance.

There’s something about Jennifer Aniston these days though – I’m thinking of dumping her. She seems like a creep. I don’t even know why. Maybe our chemistry is just off.

I hope I’m understanding the whole girl crush thing. I mean, I don’t want to do it with them or anything. I just think we could go shopping together and have lunch. Plus I like to see what they’re wearing...they’re like my life-sized Barbies.

Like Scarlett Johannsen. I love to see what she’s wearing on account of she has boobs and so do I. So I check out her clothes to see what I could look like if I had money/youth/taste/severe weight-loss on my side.

Also I have a girl crush on Susan Sarandon. Because of her wrinkles. And her all-around cool. Ditto Sarah Jessica Parker. Like maybe if we hung out I could look like the young one. The chubby one, sure, but the young one. That might be nice.

If we had a girl’s day, Sophia could teach me how to walk like a woman with her feline sort of slide that she has (God, she really is just fabulous), Scarlett could pick out a good sundress for me to wear, Susan could help me perfect that raised eyebrow thing that she does, the one all men seem to love, and SJP could pick out my shoes.

And Jennifer Aniston? Well, she’s been demoted. She could pick up the check.